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 THE MAJOR

Major RJM Warren-Dawlish M.C. has been Secretary of Royal St Luke’s Golf Club in Suffolk since 1985. A leading authority on the Rules of Golf, guerrilla tactics and continental drift, he has graciously agreed to publish items of his correspondence is these columns. The opinions, prejudices and obsessions expressed are his alone and do not (necessarily) reflect those of Golf International or Golf Today.
EDITED BY PROF. DAVID PURDIE - ILLUSTRATION BY SANDY ROBB

Royal St. Luke’s Golf Club (Est. 1603)
pulsa inveni repulsa

It seems to me that Royal St Lukes GC is the home club of almost every registered eccentric in the golfing world. Some of the items which land in my in-tray beggar belief, the membership seeming to regard me as part Agony Aunt, part Oracle of Delphi. Even my dire threats that items of correspondence may find their way into the columns of Golf International is no deterrence.

Some recent items appear below:

‘The Sycamores’ Prestonfield Drive, Cambridge CB3 8DT

Dear Mr Secretary,
I have been thinking of changing my name for some time now – and wondered if you had any thoughts on the name to which I might change it. I’ve had the same name for nearly seventy years and I’m frankly fed up with it.

I was looking at names on the Members Roll in the clubhouse yesterday, some of which are really excellent, but it struck me that none of these would do, since they all belonged to members already. Perhaps you know of another Member who has changed his name in which case I’d be happy to take over his old one. I’m really stuck and would appreciate a suggestion.

Yours etc.,

Reginald Foster.

To: The Rt. Hon. The Earl Porterhouse
House of Lords, London SW1A 0PW

Dear Lord Porterhouse,

I was pleased to see your Lordship and your guests at the Club again last weekend and we are delighted that you continue tomake such good use of the course and the clubhouse facilities. There is, however, a cloud upon the horizon. A careful inspection of the Membership Roll of the Club has, curiously, failed to reveal your Lordship’s name. Prior to your next descent upon these premises, perhaps you could favourme with an explanation of this seeming paradox.

I may say that that the last of your family to appear on the Roll was your great-grandfather the 4th Earl who died in 1892. It may be that your Lordship regards membership here as being ex officio – or even hereditary. Let me assure you that we have few hereditary memberships now (much like the House of Lords itself) and furthermore that Lord Porterhouse’s last subscription remains unpaid – as does his bar account. Although the latter was a modest sum (53 Guineas) in 1892….what with the passage of time, inflation and compound interest, it now stands at £75,568.67. If your Lordship, as his lineal descendant, could favour me with a cheque for this amount, then I am sure a re-inspection of the Roll might disclose any name which had previously escaped detection…

I am, with high consideration,

Your Lordship’s humble and obedt. Servt.

Maj. RJM Warren- Dawlish MC.

From: The Match Secretary
The Club’s fixture against the Amnesia Society’s Golf Section had to be abandoned this year, again, as none of the opposing team turned up. I am frankly fed up with this and have reminded their Secretary – yet again – to get in touch, so far without success…

From: The Captain

The Equality Act, 2010

Gentlemen: This Act of Parliament empowering women to invade previously all-male Clubs at will – is now Law. As you may know, and must have seen in the Press, Ms Penelope Crutchley- Smythe of the Housewives’ Action Groups (interesting acronym) has been making a public test case of Royal St Luke’s. Her central beef seems to be our ‘rigid male’ policy which has operated since our Foundation by King James I in 1603.

Ms Smythe’s vendetta, abetted by certain reptiles of the gutter press, began with her failed application for Membership here. You will have seen and perhaps been overpowered by her sulphurous vituperations, signed ‘Handicapped Woman’ weekly in the red-tops. Her application, may I remind you, was rejected not because she was a woman – but because she was not a gentleman. As you may be aware, we have taken Counsel’s opinion on this from Sir Hartley Talbot QC, a member of the Club, and there may be a chink of light – and from a most unexpected quarter.

A recent scientific conference at Trinity College, Cambridge, examined the latest research on the vexed question of the male breast. This singularly useless organ, supplied in duplicate to every newborn lad, is a biological anomaly. Whereas the female breast is both an admirable and useful structure, supplying nourishment to the newborn infant, the male counterpart is an appendage of total redundancy; except in the case of body-builders, swimming pool attendants and other narcissistic degenerates. However, the conclusion of the Cambridge conference was sensational. There are not two sexes at all, but only one – the female! The ‘male’ of the species is now believed on genetic grounds, DNA and all that, to be a highly modified female (hence the survival of breasts) for the purpose of the mixing of genetic traits, natural selection, survival of the fittest etc.

Thus we have notified the R&A and the Police that we are actually not an all laddies but an (anatomically) all ladies club and that consequently discriminatory practices are, technically, impossible. The greens staff have re-coloured all our tee boxes red and we have, for completeness, registered with the NTGU, the National Transvestite Golf Union.

‘Women’ may continue to apply to join the Club – and will now be rejected on the grounds of dress-code violation.

Extraordinary times demand extraordinary measures. I do hope these changes will meet with general satisfaction – without the need for yet another contested EGM with its inevitable structural damage to the clubhouse and members of Council.

(Sgd.) Lesley, formerly Leslie, Moorhouse;

Captain.

Reproduced with kind permission of Golf International Magazine

 

 
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