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Major RJM Warren-Dawlish M.C. has been Secretary of Royal St Luke’s Golf Club in Suffolk since 1985. A leading authority on the Rules of Golf, guerrilla tactics and continental drift, he has graciously agreed to publish items of his correspondence is these columns. The opinions, prejudices and obsessions expressed are his alone and do not (necessarily) reflect those of Golf International or Golf Today.

Royal St. Luke’s Golf Club (Est. 1603)
pulsa inveni repulsa

This Club must be home to almost every registered eccentric in the golfing world. The items which crash into my in-tray beggar belief. Herewith some recent exchanges – The Secretary.

Mr Secretary

I was outraged to receive your letter, presumably at the instigation of the Supreme Soviet which runs the place, regarding my ‘personal freshness.’ What the devil has it to do with you? I had had 36 holes on a hot steamy day and slumped down in the Dirty Bar for a Jeeves’ Restorative; nobody complained, no clothes pegs were attached to noses.

So own up, who’s behind this? You say that I ‘not infrequently’ leave an ‘odoriferous sensation’ behind me. This is outrageous. I enter the clubhouse to be serviced, not sniffed and smelled. I am a golfer, man, not a bloody geranium!

Yrs. etc., GRT Hawkins.

Internal Memo
To: Chief Steward
From: Secretary


What, pray, is this ‘Jeeves Restorative’ of Mr Hawkins?

From: Chief Steward

It’s the drink served to Mr Bertie Wooster, Sir, by Jeeves arriving to be interviewed for the position of Gentleman’s gentleman, as advertised by Mr Wooster in The Times. Mr Wooster was suffering that morning from a monumental hangover after an equally monumental night at The Drones Club. Jeeves took one look at him, went straight to the kitchen and emerged with his ‘Restorative’ which he served to Mr Wooster – with immediate ‘effects’.

From Secretary:

Have one sent up.

Dear Major

Something must be done about the person chosen to give the main speech at our Annual Dinner. One attends this function hopefully to hear a serious disquisition on the game, on its rules and regulations and perhaps the latest advances in golf-ball manufacture. Our guest speaker, Ollie Offenbach, turned out to be nothing more than a comedian and his remarks could only have been appreciated by those people who like laughing.
Yrs. sincerely,

Rev. Henry Ponsonby

To: Henry Ponsonby

From Secretary@rstlgc.org

I missed the dinner.What did he say about the Jocks?

To: Secretary:

He said they were just like haemorrhoids – we didn’t mind them coming down provided they went back up again.

Dear Sir

I am writing a history of royal clubs. Could you produce a facsimile of your Royal Charter. I can’t seem to find it online, the R&A say they don’t have it and the Public Record Office deny its existence. You are a Royal Club, aren’t you?

Herbert Quadriga

Dear Mr Quadriga

We were founded by King James VI in 1603 while on his way to London to assume the throne. His son, King Charles I, was a Hon. Life Member here but was unfortunately beheaded before he could sign the Charter. Oliver Cromwell then banned ‘Golffe’ and we petitioned Charles II to restart the process in 1660 at his Restoration. He apparently left the document in the bedroom of Nell Gwynne who had to use it in a personal domestic emergency and it hasn’t been seen since. You may rest assured that His Majesty told our then Captain, Sir Toby Dashwood, that he had most definitely signed it, he thought.

There was a right kerfuffle in 1833 when the Perth Golfing Society got the ‘Royal’ nod from William IV, to the fury of the R&A who demanded that the words ‘and Ancient’ be added to the title they got the following year. We petitioned the King that the word ‘Fairly’ be inserted ahead of ‘Ancient’ and this caused a right royal spat. Any correspondence from us to them is still addressed to the ‘R&FA’ which causes apoplexy at St Andrews and is, I suspect, behind our continuing exclusion from the Open rota. I trust this clarifies matters.

Maj. RJM Warren-Dawlish MC, Secretary

Reproduced with kind permission of Golf International Magazine


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