Royal St. Luke’s Golf Club (Est. 1603)
From: Maj. RJM Warren-Dawlish, MC Secretary.
Members will be aware that following the loss of our VAT exemption and the Treasurer’s disastrous foray into the Paraguayan junk-bond market, some draconian belt-tightening will be necessary.
The Captain has asked me to summarise the conclusions of the recent EGM on the subject.
For those of you unable to attend the EGM, let me say that the press reports of what happened are, as usual, grossly exaggerated. Damage to the clubhouse was minimal and no public order charges have been brought against the detained Members, all of whom are now out on bail.
The meeting did begin with a motion of No Confidence in the Chair, which was occupied by the Captain. The Motion was defeated when its proposer, Mr Evelyn Wagstaff, was noted by the Chair to be wearing a cravat. This violated the dress-code for Founder’s Lounge where the meeting was being held, and Wagstaff was therefore ejected from the meeting by Sgt. Maj. Watkins, our gate guardian. He returned wearing a tie and re-proposed his motion. This was ruled Out of Order by the Captain who had used Wagstaff’s absence to have the meeting reduce him to Country Membership and hence ineligible to attend EGMs.
Before the outbreak of disorder, the meeting approved a major increase in subscriptions, the sale of two of our Turner watercolours and the requirement for all staff, myself included, to reapply for their positions. In accordance with our policy of transparency, the Personal Statements made by certain individuals in the Application Forms are appended below. These must not, repeat not, be displayed to any public forum or social networking site – and certainly not to any representative of the gutter press.
Chief Caddy: Harry Cartwright
(N.B. as Cartwright is functionally illiterate, the following was transcribed by the Secretary from a recording made in the Caddy Hut at 22.30 hrs. GMT on 2nd February 2012) Mister Captain Sir, they’re tellin’ me I got to apply for me job. I ain’t never done nothing but look after the gentlemen here Captain and I never complained nor nothin’ even when I got that thing strapped on me ankle that tells the Major when we’re goin too slow and I gets the electric shock.
I never moaned neither when we all had to wear that steel helmet an’ the armoured vest and when we gets our shins rapped for givin’ the wrong club. It was me what reported that Mr Bousfield to the Major when he used that Army laser thing to set fire to Mr Spence’s trousers that was on the other fairway.
Mister Captain, me an’ me dad we’ve served this club for fifty years together, an’ our young Harry he’ll work here an’ all when he gets released. Keep us on the books Sir, an’ we’ll keep youse on the fairways. Henry Cartwright.
Gate Guardian: Sgt. Maj. Herbert Watkins
Mr Captain, I hereby and respectfully apply to remain Gate Guardian of Royal St Lukes. I was 28 years in the Infantry, Sir, the last ten as RSM of the 1st Bn. the Bedfordshire Regiment. I have kept the Gate here for six years now and not once in that time has anyone got past the Barrier what was not entitled to.
I have assisted the Captain in the maintenance and / or restoration of order at the AGMs, and even at the recent EGM when things got seriously out of hand. Over the years, I have detained many members in the Guardroom overnight whom I considered unfit to drive home and have lowered the Barrier against any who was unfit to drive in.
In my time I have quick-marched 34 Members (caps off) into the Secretary’s Office to face charges of: conduct prejudicial to good order & discipline; insubordination; dress-code violations, including short socks with shorts, and spreading gloom & despondency. I have also frog-marched numerous undesirables such as salesmen, trade-unionists, hawkers etc., to the Barrier and booted them into the Cambridge road.
It is me, correction I, what carries the Waterloo Drum containing the Members’ Cards to the top floor after the AGM. I then empties it into the Stairwell to create our famous card shower, when those cards that lands on the ground floor constitute the new Council. Later, it is I what kills the lights in the Council Chamber and spins the Kummel Magnum on the floor. When it stops, I sounds the Tibetan Gong and brings up the lights to see who the Magnum points at – and am 1st to salute him as the new Captain.
Sir, I awaits, at attention, your decision.
Club Secretary: Maj. Roland J.M. Warren –Dawlish MC
Mr Captain, I have been Secretary of this Club since 1985 when the death of Cdr. J.F. “Potty” Traynor R.N. deprived Royal St Luke’s of its legendary and irascible Secretary. On my appointment the Captain expressed the view that my military experience would be invaluable in propelling the Club into the 20th Century from its then position in the 18th. That process is still on-going and frankly I don’t see who else could do it, given that some of the Club’s traditions and practices date back four centuries to our foundation by King James I in 1603. This makes innovation tricky… However, there have been Major advances, if you’ll permit the capital.
I have has been involved in several high profile campaigns to protect the Royal & Ancient game from the inroads of technology. I pioneered the DL (Distance Limited) ball which even that Quiros chap cannot propel further than 275 yards, thus bringing all the St Luke’s hazards back into play - although admittedly bringing down the wrath of the R&A who, unlike us, are terrified of the manufacturers.
I also implemented the Health & Safety Directive on caddy safety. It is a splendid sight to see them paraded in ranks by Sgt. Maj. Watkins, the sunlight glinting on their steel helmets and their Kevlar vests, (now with a pelvic extension to protect their balls.)
In the Clubhouse, the vacuum thunderboxes in the gentlemen’s facilities have been broadly welcomed, now that Members have mastered the controls and have stopped being sucked down into them. Finally, we are at the forefront of golf’s green revolution with our wind turbines powering the pumps taking our solid waste over to the Artisan’s Club for disposal.
In summary, Mr Captain, if you think you can find anyone more competent to run this place, you go ahead and try.
Meanwhile I remain, and I mean remain, your obedient servant. RJM W-D