Royal St. Luke’s Golf Club (Est. 1603)
From: Maj. RJM Warren-Dawlish, MC:
Members will have seen reports on BBC News, followed by lurid accounts in the gutter press, of events surrounding the Captain’s recent official visit to the Romanov-Raskolnikov Golf Club at Tsarskoye Selo in Russia, and the subsequent fire at the Rossiya Hotel in Moscow. Regarding the latter, and in the interests of clarity, the Captain has authorised me to publish the correspondence between the Hotel Director and himself:
To: Dear Lord Portfield, Greeting;
Investigations by the Police Forensic squad has now clearly showed that fire which destroyed part of West Wing of our hotel, started in Suite ‘Alexander Pushkin’ occupied by yourself alone. The stub of a ‘Comrade Fidel ’ Cuban cigar was recovered, bearing DNA of two unknown females and also DNA now matched to specimen from your steel surgical appliance, also which survived.
For these, we conclude you was smoking cigar illegally in bed illegally with unknown females, also smoking. We think that, distracted by heavy drinking and females, you drop cigar which set fires to bed, room and Suite. Repairs of damage will amount to several thousands of Roubles, bill for which will follow.
Assuring of our best attention,
V. I. Andreyev, Director - Manager.
Royal St. Lukes Clubhouse Carrington Magna, Suffolk CB2 6TR
Dear Mr Andreyev,
This is simply outrageous. This is a vile calumny, a gross slander and, above all, a grotesque falsehood which I can dispose of in two sentences:
(a) I was stone cold sober; and furthermore,
(b) The bed was already on fire when I got into it.
I am, yours sincerely,
It is indeed unfortunate that, on this trip, the Captain was also involved in a regrettable incident shortly after his arrival at the Tsarskoye Selo Hotel near St Petersburg. As a former officer of MI6, he instinctively began a hunt for hidden microphones in his suite – discovering what he genuinely believed to be one, under the head-end of his double bed. After a considerable struggle, he managed to undo its locking screws and haul it out, noting that it did seem rather large for a secret device. However, as he straightened up, his examination of it was interrupted as the room shook to a stupendous crash – as the chandelier, from the ballroom directly below, completed its unscheduled descent…
There have been several enquiries recently regarding the Club’s Latin motto, Pulsa Inveni Repulsa. Literally translated, it means, Hit it; Find it; Hit it again!, and is believed to originate with our royal Founder, King James VI of Scotland and First of England.
The King, as is well known, paused here in 1603 on his way south from Edinburgh to London, to take the throne left vacant by the death of Elizabeth I, our Good Queen Bess of blessed memory. Here, at the site of the ancient Monastery of St Luke on the Suffolk coast, he saw for the first time in England, linksland which reminded him powerfully of his beloved Muirfield back home. It was there, in deep rough to the left of the 7th fairway, that he had been reached by Sir Robert Carey who flung himself from his exhausted horse to tell James that he had shot up the leaderboard from VIth to Ist.
Sir Robert’s report to the Privy Council of his mission describes his annoyance at being made to act as ‘caddye to Hys Majestie’ for the rest of the round. He was astonished that Golffe, which he had never seen before, should involve hitting a ‘leathern balle’ stuffed with goose feathers with a ‘clubbe of woode.’ Unaware of what an atrocious player the King was, he enquired why the ball was ‘eache tyme whakked’ into waist-high grass, whereupon the entire entourage would spend ‘halfe ane houre’ looking for it. The irritated reply was Pulsa Inveni Repulsa and a curt order to ‘pusshe offe.’
Interestingly, centuries later Arnold Palmer came up with a similar response when asked for his basic philosophy of the game: “I hit it,” said the great man, “I go find it – and then I hit it again!”
The Disciplinary Committee met on 26th April in the Clubhouse. In accordance with our new policy of full disclosure, the following cases were heard:
Mr D.Y.R. Chapman, Ordinary Member: Accused of wearing shorts with ankle socks and a baseball cap not aligned fore and aft. Pleaded guilty and asked for five other offences to be taken into account: Fined and Rebuked.
Cartwright (Chief Caddy): Interviewed following repeated allegations of inebriation against Ordinary Caddy Hoskins.
Captain: “Cartwright, I will be obliged for a straightforward truthful answer to a simple question. Have you, ever, seen Hoskins the worse for drink?”
Cartwright: “No Sir. But mark you, I’ve many a time seen him the better for it…” Sir Jasper Dugdale, Bt., former Captain: Accused of making an Improper Suggestion to the Secretary at the AGM in the course of the debate on Annual Subs. Captain: Sir Jasper, did you - or did you not - make an improper suggestion to the Major?
Dugdale: What is an improper suggestion?
Captain: That is an improper response.
Dugdale: So is that.
Captain: Can I take that as a Yes?
Captain: No what?
Dugdale: No way.
Captain: Case dismissed.