Royal St. Luke’s Golf Club (Est. 1603)
29th November 2008
As this dreadful year draws to a thankful close, some of you may be reflecting on 12 months of regression and recession, when we have seen our leaders dither, our prospects wither – and our investments gobbled up in the credit munch. You will be therefore heartened to reflect that you were not the secretary of this golf club. Attached below, you will find a selection of the correspondence which bombards this office, some of it beyond belief in its mental defectiveness and even farther beyond belief in its subject matter. I have also appended a couple of items from our Suggestion Book with which I have had to deal, without the assistance, I may add, of the Captain who for “financial considerations” is yet again resident in the Caymans.
Suggestion Book – Oct 23rd 2008
Could the Membership be advised, please, of the purpose of the extremely tall windmill which our fourball discovered today being constructed on the hill overlooking the 9th tee. The workmen, whom we chased away, tried to protest that it was part of a farm, which is of course ludicrous. I myself am a farmer and the conventions of the Common Agricultural Policy do not permit windmills on land not zoned for arable cultivation.
My partner HugoWinslet was of the opinion that it could be a form of dynamic sculpture, but whatever it is I do feel that we should be consulted.
R J Cartwright, HRT Winslet – and three others.
I can only assume, Cartwright, that you and your partners have been underground in New Zealand for the last six months. For had you been paying any sort of attention you would have heard of – indeed were you within a mile of the clubhouse you would have physically heard – the EGM at which it was decided to erect an aerogenerator. This structure will not only supply 3Gw of power to the National Grid, it will also supply the clubhouse and, occasionally, the caddie hut. Many members have long suspected – and rudely suggested – that this club’s council meetings generated little more than wind. Well, it’s now true.
RJM Warren-Dawlish. Secretary.
Dear Major Warren-Dawlish
I was recently a guest at St Luke’s and played what was my first round on the King James course. I was astonished to be told by one of your members that the aluminium dishes, placed below each of the drinking fountains on the course, were for the use of the caddies. I noted that my own caddie – Jenkins – did not drink from any of these receptacles, but that the two labradors which accompanied us round, frequently did. Do you seriously believe that the caddies’ dishes, clearly relics of an age when the lower orders knew their place, should be used by dogs without remonstrance from their owners – or from you?
Surely the caddies could be permitted to drink from the stream which intersects the fairways at the 3rd and 17th? I am, your sincerely,
Dear Lord Ravenscroft
How extraordinary. I suspect that your Lordship has been the victim of what is popularly known as a wind-up. In 23 years as secretary here I cannot recall Jenkins drinking water. Of far greater concern is the number of dogs accompanying members round. Their number exceeds even the massed packs to be seen at Sunningdale and Swinley Forest and their increasing use of the aerogenerator mast as a toilet facility will be the subject of a forthcoming ordinance from me.
RJM Warren-Dawlish MC
That the ‘Putting Foot’ being used by HGR Weathered be banned from the course. This putter is shaped and coloured exactly like a human right foot, complete with toenails, tendons and veins. Above its ‘ankle’ it becomes a standard shaft and then a grip. The instep is flattened and ridged to provide an impact surface where the foot meets the ball. Not only is the foot highly distracting, I am not at all sure that clubs representing parts of the human anatomy are permitted under the Rules.
When I challenged Weathered about this he retorted that if a club could have a face why not a foot and, speaking of faces, why didn’t I shut mine? This was helpful, as I had indeed been tending to push my irons. However, may I respectfully suggest that the issue be referred to the Balls and Implements Committee of the R&A.
Thank you for this suggestion – which we shall waste no time in implementing.
As a new member, I much enjoyed the unusual, indeed rather eccentric, features of the Annual Dinner last month. However I’m still puzzling over one of the President’s more enigmatic announcements from the chair.
After the loyal toast and the coffee & kummel course – and before the speeches – he announced, as I recall “Twenty five; One bee - for ten”. I had been rather hoping, indeed praying, for a comfort break. Later, I joined the other new men in a rush for the thunderboxes where we speculated on the Presidential riddle. Please advise.
Henry Robinson (Henliz@flanneldrawers.com)
I am most surprised at your surprise at this. The St Luke’s Dinner is the oldest golf dinner on earth and does not have a so called comfort or, worse, a ‘P’ break. Neither does it have an ‘Ease Springs’ like the Royal Navy or any sort of interval, however it may so be titled.
As a golf club, our activities, including the dinner, are subject to the Rules of Golf as promulgated by the R&A.What the President was announcing was that, Rule 25; Section 1; Subsection b; would apply for ten minutes. Now, you should have instantly detected that this was the Interval. For Rule 25; 1; b is that Rule which makes provision for golfers requiring relief, from accumulations – of casual water….
RJM Warren-Dawlish MC