January: The Tiger Woods-backed TGL indoor golf league launches next week. Xander Schauffele and Ludvig Åberg are among the competitors for the opening match in a franchise which might help to upgrade the image many people have of hitting golf balls into simulators. Any downsides? Possibly only if the Saudis fancy a bash at this as well.
February: Newly installed President of the United States, Donald Trump, recalls that some years ago the PGA Tour took a World Golf Championship event away from his course in Miami and handed it to – Mexico! In return, he decides to revoke the Tour’s tax-exempt status, thereby also thoroughly screwing over the retirement packages of its members. Bigly!
March: Government statistics confirm that the number of people working from home remains high, still close to pandemic levels. “It’s a bigger number than we would like,” said an answering machine on behalf of the civil service. “”It’s just wonderful news for our members’ bar-takings,” said a spokesman for the English Golf Union.
April: After last year’s surprise hit in the Masters merchandise shops was a one-foot tall bearded gnome sporting the Augusta National logo as he prepared to set off for a round of golf, club officials are eager to figure out what will be this year’s sensation. Their best guess? A two-foot tall Rory McIlroy carrying a placard that reads – ‘Please, this time!’
May: The USPGA Championship at Quail Hollow is a forgettable affair, resurrecting the question as to why the PGA of America doesn’t do what in 2013 it said it might and take the tournament around the world. That way, for example, a southern hemisphere location would mean the final major of the season could be held in November, a vast improvement on the July it is at present.
June: After last year’s spectacular shot when he made a blind hole-in-one by hitting a ball on to a green on the other side of his home, US Open champion Bryson DeChambeau announces he will play keepy-uppy with a golf ball on his sand-wedge while crossing a body of water on a tightrope…eventually he baulks at Niagara Falls, though negotiations are in hand with Augusta National regarding Rae’s Creek.
July: Mayhem in the sporting calendar. A confused overlap of dates means that Joe Root, who had been expected to play for England in the Lord’s Test against India, is instead tied up in a transportation foul-up trying to get back from the pro-am at the Genesis Scottish Open. Andy Murray, who also played, says he’s thankful he no longer has that sort of issue regarding Wimbledon.
August: Lydia Ko’s aspirations of a successful defence of her AIG Women’s Open crown at Royal Porthcawl go up in smoke after a cigarette end accidentally dropped by Charley Hull sets fire to one of the grandstands. Ko was leading but while no one was badly hurt in the circumstances it was felt the championship could not be concluded. News was awaited from the insurers…AIG.
September: Keegan Bradley confirms he will be a playing captain at the Ryder Cup in New York. “No way am I not getting my $500K for being on the team,” he explained. Asked if he thought this might impair his ability to do an effective job, he responded: “Well Zach didn’t play in Rome and he was a crap captain so I really don’t see it makes any difference.”
October: After last autumn declining the offer of an honorary membership at Ellesborough Golf Club, which had been accepted by all previous prime ministers, Keir Starmer confesses he’s had a change of heart. “Many people don’t know my dad was a toolmaker,” he said without apparent irony, “and latterly I have discovered a previously unknown affinity with irons.”
Related: Simulation becoming a real thing
November: The DP World Tour season concludes with the Race to Dubai. There is some confusion when Rory McIlroy is presented with the champion’s trophy on the first tee on Thursday on the basis of “efficiency – he always wins it”. This prompts a sarcastic Greg Norman to post on X: “And they knock us at LIV for only playing 54 holes; that’s 54 more than this.”
December: I’m not going to venture ahead a full year to speculate whether ‘The Showdown’ in Las Vegas between McIlroy & Scottie Scheffler vs DeChambeau & Brooks Koepka will get a reprise but after Scheffler’s surgery-inducing dinner preparations ruined his planned-for return to the tour in early 2025, I’d predict his turkey will be stuffed by someone else next Christmas.
Happy New Year!
You can follow Robert Green on Twitter @robrtgreen and enjoy his other blog f-factors.com as well as his golf archive on robertgreen-golf.com
