Do you have a golf problem thatโs keeping you awake at night?
Is there some aspect of your game that you simply canโt sort out?
Stop worrying because Dr Felix Shank, a more or less genuine expert on all aspects of the game, is here to help.
Illustrations by Tony Husband.๏ปฟ
Because when it comes to buying birthday and Christmas presents my friends and family have no imagination whatsoever, I have literally dozens and dozens of golf balls, many of which are of a type I would never use anyway. I reckon I could play at least half-a-dozen rounds, lose a couple of balls on every hole and still have plenty left. In truth, because Iโm a scratch golfer, I hardly ever lose a ball! Anyway, whenever I play in one of my clubโs competitions and pay my entry fee, the pro is always harassing me to enter the โ2sโ ball sweep and says things like, โWhatโs the matter, are you frightened of having a punt?โ Itโs only five pounds but I donโt earn very much and the very last thing I need is more golf balls.
Alexander Kitt, Cleethorpes
Scratch golfers are something like four times more likely to record a two during a round than someone with a handicap of 10 and eight times more likely than someone with a handicap of 18. So, from a purely statistical point of view, the โ2sโ ball sweep is a very good bet for a golfer of your ability.
However, I take your point that you donโt need any more balls. However, you have a lot of balls of the wrong make that you will never use. Well, hereโs a chance to sort of โethnically cleanseโ them. Say to your pro that, rather than pay ยฃ2, you will put up a sleeve of your balls against a sleeve or his. Since a sleeve of balls, irrespective of the make, is worth more than ยฃ2, you feel entitled to ask that, if you win, he should give you the ball you use. If he declines, you can legitimately get him off your back by saying, โWhatโs the matter, are you frightened of having a punt?โ
I own a comparatively small company that manufactures golf trolley wheels. We hosted a golf day recently to which I invited one of my best clients, who brought along his 19-year-old son Vincent to make up the four. Although a decent enough player, Vincent only came in on a couple of holes and was, I thought, rather flattered by his five handicap. Anyway, his father has since informed me that Vincent is going to turn pro shortly and is hoping to play on the Europro Tour, the Challenge Tour and eventually the European Tour. He told me this before inviting me to sponsor him. Although his father thinks he is going to win half-a-dozen majors, Vincent has about as much chance of succeeding as a professional golfer as I have of winning a beauty contest. However, his dad buys a lot of wheels from me and so I canโt see how I can say no.
J.G Blenkinsop, Melton Mowbray
Since you have not enclosed a photograph of yourself in a bikini itโs hard for me to assess Vincentโs chances of success! However, assuming theyโre minimal, let me make a suggestion. Tell his father that you would love to support Vincent and have drawn up a list of bonus payments that you believe will give the boy the greatest incentive to succeed. Suggest youโll pay him, say, ยฃ1000 for every top five finish he achieves on the Europro Tour, ยฃ2000 for every top five finish on the Challenge Tour and ยฃ5000 for every top five finish on the European Tour. Multiply each figure by 10 for every win he achieves on the respective tours and ยฃ100,000 for every major and youโll appear very generous. Then just hope to God he doesnโt improve dramatically otherwise you might have to sell the business to finance his bonuses!
Every summer I, my wife and two children go on holiday to the highlands of Scotland with my sisterโs family. Her children are the same age as ours and everybody gets on really well. Part of the tradition is that I play a golf match against my brother-in-law, Simon, who is a very successful investment banker. We donโt play for money but the loser has to cook dinner in our cottage the evening after the match and also choose a course and make all the arrangements for the following yearโs encounter. Simon has won every year for the last five years and Iโve grown a bit weary of being mercilessly teased by everyone, including my own children. One of the reasons I lose is that Simon is talking on his blasted mobile phone for most of the round, which irritates me enormously and upsets my equilibrium. Iโve asked him to switch the thing off but he claims itโs vital for his business that he stays in touch with his office the whole time. Even on courses where mobiles are banned, he refuses to switch the thing off.
David Nicholls, Burnley
Mobile phones are an absolute curse and I sympathise enormously with your predicament. By ringing your brother-in-law at night when his phone will hopefully be switched off or by researching the first half of his number, you must establish which network heโs with. The highlands of Scotland are a fairly remote part of the UK and mobile phone coverage is patchy. Go to mobilephonecoverage. co.uk and you will see the areas in which his phone wonโt pick up a signal.
Simply choose a course in one of these for your next match and the chances are Simon will be so agitated by the dreadfully unfortunate fact that he canโt speak to his office that you will comfortably beat him and wonโt have to either cook dinner or put up with any teasing.