It’s what we’ve all been waiting for: the golfer’s ultimate guide to annoying everyone on the golf course — an extensive how-to for golfers looking to cause a stir among their peers and perfect the role of a course nuisance.
In this guide, I’ll take you through the key steps to annoying fellow golfers on the course, along with examples so you can head out and start implementing them immediately. So, let’s get to it.
What it takes to be the most annoying golfer on the course
Being the most annoying golfer on the course doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years of blissful ignorance and a complete disregard for your surroundings — and fellow golfers.
Golf is a game of tradition, so your first step is to forget everything you ever knew about golf etiquette. Speaking while someone is taking their shot? Give it a whirl. Walking over someone’s line? Absolutely. Deciding whether to help your partner look for their ball? Don’t even think about it.
It’s little quirks like these that will help you stand out as one of the most annoying golfers to play with, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. To fully immerse yourself in the role, you need to find consistency across the board. If you can do this, you’ll almost guarantee no one will ever want to play with you again.
Ways to become the most annoying golfer on the course
As mentioned above, failing to adhere to any kind of etiquette on the golf course will put you in good stead, but some other niches will place you head and shoulders above the rest.
1. Mark your scorecard on the green
This is an absolute winner when it comes to getting in the heads of the group behind — especially if you do it on every hole. People will tell you to mark your scorecard on the next tee to maintain the pace of play, but who said anything about considering other people on the course?
If you really want to push the boat out, mark your scorecard before putting the flag in — a serious power move when it comes to annoying golfers behind you.
2. Leave your bag or trolley on the wrong side of the green
Following on from the greenside antics above, another excellent way to really bug the group behind is to leave your bag or trolley on the wrong side of the green, preferably miles away from where the next tee is — this helps to add an extra 30 seconds to your exit time. Once you get to the bag, be sure to take your time placing the putter head cover back on and, if possible, struggle to put your putter back in before deciding to move on.
Top tip: If you’re looking for the double whammy, mark your scorecard on the green and leave your bag miles away. This is a surefire way of gradually sending the group behind into meltdown.
3. Don’t repair pitch marks
Greenkeepers work tirelessly to keep the greens in the best condition possible for golfers, so why should you do their job for them? Maintaining a course is a difficult task, and everyone who’s playing the course wants their putts to roll good and true, so a little team effort to repair pitch marks goes a long way.
Not for you. You don’t have the time or effort to repair the damage you made to the green — just leave it up to someone else to sort out.
4. Don’t shout fore
Another stalwart in the world of being an annoying golfer is not shouting “fore” when you hit a wayward shot. This one really riles people up, as by not shouting fore, you’re endangering other people on the course. Spray it right? Keep quiet. Send it left? You guessed it, keep quiet. This is a special tactic, as by doing less, you’re doing more to solidify yourself as a nightmare golfer.
5. Don’t rake the bunkers
Similar to not repairing pitch marks, this move shows a real disregard for not only the greenkeepers but also other golfers on the course. There’s nothing more frustrating than finding your ball in the footmark of someone before you who couldn’t be bothered to rake the sand.
If you find yourself in the bunker, be sure to shuffle your feet in nice and deep before chunking a fat wad of sand from underneath the ball, then simply walk out and head to your next shot. After all, using the rake is optional, right?
6. Play music aloud on the course
Now, this is one of the more modern approaches to becoming the most annoying golfer on the course — but boy, is it effective. Two decades ago, you’d have to rely on your refusal to follow course etiquette to gain the title of “course clown.” But nowadays, you can amplify that position by playing music through a speaker during the round. The course is supposed to be quiet and peaceful, a place to enjoy the sounds of nature and a good conversation with friends — so you need to get in there and blast your music for all to hear.
You could listen to music in your headphones, but by doing that, you’re not imposing on other golfers who categorically don’t want to listen to it. You have creative freedom in what you listen to, just ensure to make it as obnoxiously loud as possible.
7. Pull your trolley across the green
I apologise if this is a bit of an obvious one, but sometimes the oldies are goldies. In most cases, pulling a trolley across the green doesn’t actually damage the putting surface, but my oh my, does it get under the skin of golfers. As with all etiquette, because there aren’t any real repercussions to the action, there’s no need to follow the rules — so go ahead and ignore all traditional aspects of the game.
Top tip: Circling back to the first two rules: if you want to receive an audible reaction or even a complaint to the pro shop, mark your scorecard on the green, leave your trolley miles away, and then walk it back over the green on your way to the next tee — the holy trinity of sacrilegious behaviour all rolled into one seamless move.
8. Refuse to let a group play through
The conditions need to be just right for this one: there’s no one in front of you, you’re clearly playing slow, it’s a single or a two-ball behind you, and you’ve had multiple windows to let them play through.
If you’re to do this right, you also need to ensure that you’re actively ignoring them at every opportunity. They’re waiting on the tee with you? Don’t acknowledge them. You’ve spent 10 minutes looking for your ball? Pretend that it’s not against the rules and refuse to look back at them. The tricky part of this one is that you need to be playing with the second, third, and fourth most annoying golfers on the course to pull it off. If you have just one playing partner who respects the etiquette of the game, they’ll likely wave them through against your will.
So what have we learned?
Well, firstly, if you haven’t realised this is a satirical piece, then I’m concerned about what your actions will be the next time you play, and I don’t want to be held accountable for the nuanced chaos you’re about to cause.
Secondly, golf is a game to be enjoyed by everyone, and everyone plays their part in ensuring this. The etiquette of the game might seem trivial, but it’s part of the game nonetheless. They’re traditional, unwritten rules that make up the foundations of the sport, and it’s courteous to follow them.
If you’re new to the game, no one will begrudge you a few mistakes here and there, as it’s impossible to know every minutia surrounding the correct golfing etiquette from the get-go. But by sticking to golf’s unwritten rules, you’ll always be in good standing on the course.
So next time you’re out on the course, enjoy it. But in the words of Neil Warnock, enjoy it by being ******* disciplined.
